Escape the Darkness
by theladymerlin
Summary: Angel is feeling the weight of his soul and needs a reason to continue


A/N: Snippets of Dialogue taken from the Buffy episode _Amends_

Angel felt the soothing balm of the cool evening as the sun set once more in its never ending cycle. He sighed and rolled over in his bed to stare up at the ceiling. His mind wandered as he studied the various cracks which crawled across the plaster above his head like so many spider's webs. He still felt so tired and drained. He'd tried to sleep but the bloody, horrifying images and terrified screams of so many people even after all these years still plagued him. He'd hoped following Whistler and coming to Sunnydale would help to quiet his soul but the dead by his hand would not be ignored. And there were so many. So many wronged. So many murdered.

He let out another sigh and heaved himself out of bed. There was a meeting at the library and he'd promised to be there. Even if it didn't help his soul he had promised to aid the slayer. The slayer. A self deprecating snort of laughter escaped his lips as he made his way to the bathroom. She was yet another source of misery for him. He knew his attraction for her was wrong and unnatural.

He showered, dried and dressed quickly. Doing his best to keep his mind occupied and away from the darker thoughts he kept hidden in the corners and crevices of his mind. Leaving the mansion he took the familiar path to Sunnydale High and entered quietly through the back. He stood amongst the shadows of the stacks listening to the lively chatter of the group of young people sat around the research table. Having companions was unusual for a slayer but this one seemed to make it work and the fact she was still alive proved the idea had some merit. Perhaps the Watcher's Council would consider Slayer groups in the future or, and far more likely, they would simply carry on in their single minded way while ignoring the proof before their very eyes. Turning away he crept back out into the darkness, leaving the others behind in the light where they belonged.

"Angel."

Angel glanced over his shoulder to see the slayer walking up the hill. He said nothing and turned back to the sea of lights beneath his feet.

"You need to come inside now. There isn't much time."

"I know."

"Then you need to come inside. Now. Please."

"Look Buffy... I..I know now. I know what I am and why I came back."

"What?"

"I'm a killer and I can't. I can't do this all again."

"No! You're not! It wasn't you. It was the demon who did those things."

"Bollocks."

Buffy spun around at the word. "Spike! What are you doing here?"

"I-"

"No!" she interrupted. "You know what? I don't care. We don't want you here so you can go back to wherever you came from."

"We? That's pretty presumptuous slayer. Doesn't Angel get a say in all this?"

"What do you mean?"

"You actually think he didn't know I was here? You're slippin' love."

Buffy looked to the older vampire with a frown. "Angel?"

"I knew he was here."

"How can you let him be here. Knowing what he is?"

"Buffy," Angel sighed, heavily. "He's no different from me."

"That's not true! He's a demon!"

"So am I."

Buffy's frown deepened. "But you have a soul."

"She'll never understand," Spike said, moving to Angel's side.

"Oh, and I suppose you do?" Buffy enquired, clearly irritated by Spike's continued presence.

"'Course I do. You put so much importance on a person's soul when it seems to me you outta be looking more at the person."

"Why are you even here? What do you care? You left with that skanky whore you call a girlfriend and left Angel to.. to .."

"What? Die?"

"Spike," Angel cautioned.

"No! She wants to throw around accusations like that then I'm gonna set a few things straight. Yeah I left with Dru. I was doing what I was sired to do: to take care of her. What were you doing? Oh, that's right. You decided the only way to close the portal was to send my sire to hell?!"

"I had no choice!" Buffy objected, defiant and angry.

"The hell you did!" Spike shouted, his own anger growing. "Blood slayer. It's always about the blood. A few drops would've done. You and your bloody righteousness. If you and your watcher had bothered to do a bit of research you woulda known that. If you love him like you say you do, like I do, then you would have done anything, looked for any other possible solution. But no, you took the easy way out."

Buffy's face easily showed her shock and hurt at the accusations and revelations. "Like you? Angel?"

"It's true Buffy," Angel confirmed. "It's all true."

Buffy eyes widened in pain and remorse. "But I didn't know. And how could you... be with... I don't understand."

"You never do Slayer." Spike accused.

"I'm sorry Buffy. Spike's right, you can't understand."

"I'm not even sure I want to any more Angel," Buffy said sadly before turning to walk slowly down the hill.

Angel and Spike stood side by side watching her retreating form until it was swallowed up by the snow drifting gently down from a leaden grey sky.

"You said you still loved me," Angel said quietly.

Spike looked up at his sire with a surprising gentleness is his eyes. "I suppose I did. There something you wanna do about that?"

Angel smiled fondly down at his childe. "Let's go inside. I think a long talk is way overdue."

"Wasn't talkin' I was wantin' to do," Spike muttered as he followed his sire's snowy tracks through the snow.


End file.
